those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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