i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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