If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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