I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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