nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
