I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
