and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
