Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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