I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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