i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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