My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize