The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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