Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
