alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
