how can u be prego again
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
