I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
