I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Randomize
