Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
