Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
