it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just threw up on my dentist
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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