U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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