so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
