Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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