fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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