Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
