Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Randomize
