Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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