just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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