It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
