Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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