I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
