there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
