i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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