Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
