In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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