I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
