Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize