The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Randomize