were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
