Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
