just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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