in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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