Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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