Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
