My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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