He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
