Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
