I faked an abortion last night.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize