Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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