Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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