I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
