Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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