I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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