You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
