Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
