2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
