For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
