Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
