You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
