how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
