Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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