is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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