I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize